La Vida Sin Ella

The worst feeling was the build up to goodbye

We spent those last days pretending like it wasn’t coming

She didn’t acknowledge it and neither did I

Between smiles and laughter sometimes you could catch a glimpse of a solitary tear dripping down our eyelids

It was a beautiful euphoric pain 

The worst feeling was biting my tongues before she left

My heart screaming

Te quiero

No te vayas

Si te vas nunca regreses  

Quedate conmigo

Porfavor

No me hagas esto

Te necesito

Me necesitas

No puedo sin ti

Gracias por todo

Quiero irme contigo, llevame

But not a single word ever escaping my mouth

The worst feeling was the last time that I saw her

Surrounded by friends

My entire body ready to embrace her and run away away with her

But instead i stood still

Cowardly waiting for her to walk away

Lower jaw quivering, oceans in my eyes ready to explode

Fighting the urge to look back at her just one more time

Just one more time before she left

Agony

The worst feeling has been every night since

Everything so much bigger alone

My bed, my days, my nights

I don’t know how i ever fell asleep without her by my side before we met

Without her holding me, or leaning on me, or even just being there snoring loud as shit

Sometimes I’m still waking up and expecting her to be there

Holding me back before I leave for work

Having me come back for just one more peck or embrace

Asking me if I can come back sooner even though I always say no 

The worst feeling is missing her

Feeling like a fool when I tear up driving past a chipotle

Or the coast

Hiding anything that she left behind because i’m too scared to throw it away

Her toothbrush is still there just in case

The knot on my throat when I’m close to an airport

The pictures of her plastered all over my life

Wondering if she’s thinking of me too

Praying that she is doing better

The worst feeling is the regret of not doing more

I should have taken her more places

To her favorite food

To meet my people

I should have shown her off to the world

I should have told her how much she meant to me and how much she saved me

I should have came home sooner

I should have stayed 

I should have gone to see her

I should have asked her not to leave

Maybe she wouldn’t have left

The worst feeling is living without her

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